Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness

Yea, I know that’s not the proper spelling for the Smashing Pumpkins album, and that’s on purpose. For the last few months or so, I’ve been extremely depressed. It’s one of the worst bouts of depression I’ve dealt with in recent memory. Well, since 2017-ish anyway. Unlike my last terrible bout, I have been able to maintain the bare minimum of things like work, but pretty much everything else fell by the wayside.

Before this one, all the posts on this site were written and scheduled to post back in early/mid-January. I wanted to keep a good backlog of content flowing here because the all-knowing algorithms promote blogs that post regularly. I don’t have a plan for this site other than document this phase of my life. But my depression got the best of me, so the scheduled content is all out. I’ve been hesitant to write more mainly because I don’t feel like I lead an exciting life, and as much as I want to get better at writing, I don’t feel like I will. Of course, that is a self-fulfilling prophecy if I don’t continue to write! On weekdays I get up, either work remotely or go to the office and then waste time in front of the tv in the evenings. During those “amazingly exciting” tasks, I take my dog for a walk if I’m home or take him to daycare if I’m going to the office. On the weekends, I’m usually so mentally drained from the week that I don’t have the energy to go anywhere or do anything other than be lazy around the house. To be crystal clear, I hate my routine.

I’m making moves to break out of my everyday routines, how you might ask, by picking up hobbies that I’ve enjoyed in the past, like kayaking, and new hobbies I’ve always wanted to pick up, like working on my vehicles. In March, I bought myself a Jeep Wrangler Unlimited (4dr) Rubicon. This is my 3rd Jeep, and I honestly didn’t realize how much I missed having one until I bought this one. I thought it might just be the rush of buying a big-ticket item, but I can’t express how much joy it has brought me. I’ve conquered some minor maintenance tasks with it and installed a few mods to make the driving experience even more pleasurable. I’m also allowing myself to enjoy it. I realized a while back that I’ve never allowed myself to enjoy my hobbies or the things I’ve owned. I don’t know why. Maybe it was just uncomfortable to show those emotions to the outside world? When I’m in the Jeep with the hardtop panels off and windows down, I have music blasting, and I’m singing along with it, and I *always* have a smile on my face. I’m leaning into that..Hard. I want to go places in it, see things, and experience things. I currently have some obligations that require me to stay close to my home, and that’s fine, but there are things I can do to prepare myself for a future of travel and exploration.

I’ve been working on this post since February 2022, and it’s currently the end of April 2022. Instead of continuing to add to it, I’m going to finally post and use some of this newfound energy to write about other things that excite me!



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