Yesterday I decided to go to one of my favorite places, the bookstore. After walking around for a bit and, of course, finding 2 books to add to my forever growing “To Be Read Pile”, I decided I wanted some sushi.
The closest place was Konki and I’d never been there so off I went. Walking through the front reception area the hostess asked me if I’d like to sit at the grill or private dining. Now the words “private dining” conjures up images of wood paneled rooms adorned with fine wooden carvings, smelling of rich mahogany and shelves lined with many leather bound books. I have no idea why I have an image of an aristocrat’s private libary from the 1800’s associated with that word but there it is.
So I muttered something like “grill is fine”, she nodded and grabbed the usual stack of menus and off we went. I immediately relized my mistake as we approached my soon to be seat. It was a group of seven chairs surrounded by, well, a grill and every chair but 2 were occupied.
I should probably pause here and let you know, dear reader, that I was already having an “awkward day”. That usually just means I don’t really feel like talking to people and instead of sitting around the house I will go somewhere with people and try and blend in. I should also tell that I am very tall, very tattooed and very much stand out in a crow but in my mind’s eye I blend in seamlessly with the environment around me and no one sees me. Sort of like a ninja.
Back to the almost already full table of complete and total strangers. They were only strangers to me, amongst themselves it looked like they’d known each other for years. The hostess put my menu down on the table and all conversations stopped, heads turned and eyes were looking at me. I froze, tried to shake it off and be cool by doing the “cool guy” word “sup”. “Sup?” I started getting sick to my stomach after realizing the word I just used. “Sup?!?” I immediately looked down at the menu and tried my best to look deep in thought about what I wanted to eat. In reality I wasn’t even reading the menu, in fact I don’t remember a single thing I saw on the menu.
The next three minutes, that felt like an hour, I re-read the menu over a dozen times trying to remember words and comprehend the english language again. The waitress finally got to me and found out that not only couldn’t I read and comprehend the menu I couldn’t speak either! Awesome!! So I pointed at the picture of the 2 sushi rolls I wanted and I was trying to say “These 2 rolls, please” I think what came out was just a couple of grunts.
She dutifully wrote down my gruntings/pointings and asked if I wanted anything from the grill. My saying/grunting a no seemed to shock her a bit. I knew she was asking herself “why the hell did he sit at the grill if he didn’t want anything grilled?!” Honestly, I was asking myself the same question all while regretting my every decision in life that led me to this point!
While waiting for the chef to come out I’m looking around and the other full tables, empty tables and at anything other than the people sitting at my table and I see the chefs banging their spatulas on the grill, tossing food into guests mouthes and the panic starts to rise. Oh, no. I’m not only going to have to interact with these total strangers but I’m also going to get hot food thrown at my face.
I’m trying to figure out a way to get out of this but I’d already ordered food and the people at my table were talking amongst themselves and it felt like if I moved an inch I’d draw more attention to myself. So, I sat there. I thought about taking my phone out but I didn’t want to be rude as if my previous grunts and lack of eye contact weren’t rude enough already.
Finally the chef comes out, slams his spatula on the grill and starts going around confirming orders with everyone. He gets to me and sorts through his food tickets and even turns them over to look at the back and then loudly asks what I ordered. I think I just responded with “sushi”. His head cocked to the side a bit like he was just trying to process why I even existed.
Thankfully I get my 2 rolls while he is cooking and I was pleasantly surprised how good they were given I had no recollection of what I ordered! I try to pace to myself so I don’t like an anaconda devouring a deer in one bite but I’m also past the point of wanting to be away from everyone and everything.
Once I finish, pay the bill and get up from the table I get halfway to the door and realize I still have the damn napkin in my hand! I turn around and make the miles long walk back to the table where, once again, all conversations stop and eyes turn to me. I just smile, shake my head and basically throw the napkin on the table and turn around again. I felt like I was outside my body the entire walk out of the restaurant! I get outside and look at my watch expecting at least an hour to have passed but only 33 minutes had passed since I’d been seated!
Anxiety is quite the bitch!!
My Journey 
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