Expecting … Nothing

My anxiety shows up as trying to map every possible outcome of every decision I make.

Meeting up with friends? I have to look at the route to the place we’re meeting, the parking situation, the possible conversation topics and plan out potential replies. When it’s time to go do the thing I’m so exhausted and anxious I end up canceling.

I hate it.

Since starting therapy again I’ve really become more aware of when those feeling/thoughts start to creep in. My therapist suggested treating them as passengers on a bus. They don’t drive the bus, I do. They may always be there but I don’t have to listen to their direction. They’re along for the ride but the journey is mine.

I’ve been putting myself out and have been opening to meeting potential partners and initially the thought of going out on a date was terrifying! Being able to intercept those thoughts, see them, examine them but then just asking them to have a seat because we’re going anyway has been so freeing!

Don’t get me wrong, I still have to push hard not to let those thoughts control my actions but it is getting easier to catch them and then not act on them. I know I can go places, meet people, have conversations and expect nothing except meeting a new person, finding a new favorite place.

Not sure where I was going with this, but I was just cleaning and saw the words and felt like getting them out of my head…So here they are!