Rough Month

May isn’t my favorite month. Between Mother’s Day, mom’s birthday and then dad’s birthday a few days later I tend to withdraw and kind of shutdown, or that’s what I’ve done the last 2 years.

This year is different though. The sadness is still there but I’ve learned to acknowledge it and to sit with it which has lessened its impact, I believe.

Ive also been seeing someone who allows me to feel everything, good and bad, and is so loving, kind and patient with me. Being able to express these emotions to them has helped more than anything else.

On the good days it’s very easy to bring my authentic self but the bad days, that’s when I get scared and that’s when I’ve typically pulled away from everyone and just waited for the sadness to pass.

Feeling safe enough to tell them what I’m feeling and have them tell me that it’s ok and to have them pick up the phone and call me when we’re texting because they felt in their heart like they needed to call me. That’s what I’ve been looking for, and that’s what I’ve found.

This year, May is landing different for me. I feel like I’m slowly unlocking that full and meaningful life that I keep writing about here and realizing that bad feelings will continue to come but I don’t have to retreat into myself to “deal” with them. I am surrounded by my chosen family who do actually care and won’t ignore me, punish me or throw me away when I feel those things.

With the bad things will also come amazing things and I now realize that these moments I’m in are the ones I will look back on and say, “those were the good ole days” and I will get to relive them. But right now I’m fully living them and leaning into them!