Goings On

End of July and pretty much the entire month of August was a pretty rough stretch for me. July marked a one year anniversary of my mom’s death and then my birthday was at the end of August. I suppose that I am officially in my “late 40’s” which is not a thought that brings me joy. Overall I’m pretty happy with where I am in life but I still have a ton of self doubt and anxiety that I haven’t done enough and that I’m just not enough.

I’m still trying to find a creative outlet that satisfies me. Years ago I created a youtube channel and posted several videos but I put a lot of pressure on myself to make that my career from day one. That wasn’t a healthy way to approach it so obviously I failed. At the time, and up until very recently, I had an “all or nothing” way of thinking. If something I made didn’t look the way I had envisioned it then it was worthless and so was I. Again, not a healthy way to think. I wrote a post a while back about this blog sucking and that’s the mentality I’m taking with new things. Now it makes so much sense that of course I will not be good at something I just started, the goal is to make progress and not master whatever the thing is. I also understand that progress is not linear but it’s more peaks and valleys. I don’t remember it all the time but when I do catch myself being hard on me I can take a step back and just say that the amount of time that I’ve currently put in is enough for that session.

I’m working to be kinder and more patient with myself and understanding that I can’t be perfect at something that I’ve never done. I love learning and this new way of thinking is really going to help me put into practice the things that I’ve learned about filmmaking over the last decade and I’m really excited to release my first video!