Uninspired

I’ve been pretty uninspired in my day to day life for the past month or so. Everything has a dull tone to it, even things I regularly enjoy.

These feelings come and go with me and have for many, many years. I have clinical depression and I’m not currently on any type of medication for it. I found the medications that I tried made everything consistently even. I hate the lows of depression but since I started therapy again those lows haven’t been as low or lasted as long as they had in the past. My therapist and I are in agreement that I don’t require meds at this point in time. While the lows still happen there are also highs, but not the manic highs one would associate with a bipolar disorder.

Most of this melancholy revolves around my inability to make “big” decisions. Things like should I move out of the state where I’ve lived for over a decade, or look for another job even though I’m perfectly ok with my current employer and role. It feels like I “should” be making these decisions and there’s a level of FOMO because I’m not.

There’s a great song by the band Metallica called “Shadows Follow”. Changing major things in life has only temporarily “fixed” things in the past but in the end those shadows will always follow me. Therapy is helping me work through some of those but it doesn’t really alleviate the fear of the unknown. As I’ve gotten older I’ve really become fearful of change, large and small if I’m being honest and that’s not a trait I like. Most of the fears (all of them?) are based around the unknown. Logically I know I can’t know the outcome of my decisions, I can only make them based on the information I have at the time. I’ve gotten too comfortable in the life I’m currently leading. When faced with trying something new it’s most likely I will fall back to my known “safe” environment. I don’t like that.

This wasn’t what I had in mind for this post but it’s definitely helped me wipe away some of the cobwebs in my brain and realize that I need to start making decisions even if I’m uncomfortable with them and know that I’m perfectly capable of dealing with any potential issues that arise from those decisions. Something has got to change, I can’t continue to live my life in this way.