So Hard

Why is it so hard to believe in myself?

I’m laying here at almost midnight and my brain is running through all the ways I can fail both profesionally and personally. That in and of itself isn’t a new thing for me. Most nights I have those thoughts, hell, most days I have to those thoughts too. This time is different.

I’ve had an idea for a creative project I’ve wanted to work on for a few months now. The core of the idea I’ve had for longer but finally putting it together has only come about in the last few months.

It’s a video project and it’s something I’m very passionate and excited about. I’ve done a lot of the prep and research for it and even shot some of the video for it along with reteaching myself how to edit video.

But here I am doubting myself and not want to continue it b/c it’ll fail. Because I’ll fail. So why bother even starting, right?

I had a conversation at work today for a pretty big project and I told someone this is just the first step, a way to just get started and once that happens we can build some momentum and get things going.

Why can I have that mentality professionally but not for my hobbies. Well, I’m glad you asked! For many years now every hobby I tried I did it with the overall goal to replace the income from my day job with the hobby so I could make that magical transformation to “if you love what you do it doesn’t feel like work” mode of life.

Spoiler alert, that’s bullshit. Sure, it happens for some people and maybe it could happen for me but I’ve specifically told myself that I’m not going to view this video project through that lens and for a while it worked! I didn’t put any pressure on myself and everything moved forward. Work was work and video hobby was a hobby.

But now here I am thinking about all the ways this video project could fail. For fucks sake there’s no way it could even fail b/c I haven’t even put words or thoughts around what would make it successful!!

I don’t know. Brains are weird and I don’t think I can exchange mine for a working model so I’m just trying to make do with what I have.

It helps me to write things out like this and I need to remember that and do it more often. Sure, I could, and probably should, write about this in my journal. But there’s something oddly soothing about writing here and getting these thoughts out into the world.

Yea, brains are fucking weird.